Clean Up Your Act

I love comedy—the drier and more sarcastic the humor, the better. Jimmy Fallon does it best on his new late night show with a thank you note segment. He writes and recites thank you’s to unsuspecting groups of people that have somehow wronged him.

After dealing with my own frustration with those wrong doers that trash Jasper County roadways, I decided to research who these people were and thank them the Jimmy Fallon way. I learned that litterbugs not only have the despicable habit of tossing their dregs out their car window, they are littered with a plethora of health issues as well.

So, thank you trashy people. Thank you for discarding your styrofoam cooler and empty beer cans along the highway. I know how desperate or drunk you must have been to rid your vehicle of illegal open containers in case you get pulled over for some other moving violation.

Thank you, lowlife litterbugs for discarding your fattening fast food packaging as well. Chances are your lack of concern for the environment is probably a direct reflection of how you care for your own body. I hardly ever see empty salad containers, running shoe boxes or smoothie cups strewn on the side of the road.

Was that your Big Mac wrapper and cigarette butt next to the beer cooler? Thank you and let me guess, after all the fast food you have consumed you are an overweight smoker and have been throwing half lit cigarette butts out your window for years.

But seriously, and not surprisingly, the top five predictors of littering behavior from a 2009 national study for Keep America Beautiful, are “being young, smoking, eating fast food at least twice a week, driving more than 50 miles a day and going out to bars or other nighttime entertainment at least once a week.”

The same study reveals that “while not everyone who is young, smokes and eats a lot of fast food is a litterer, those demographics and lifestyles are more likely to be predictors of littering behavior.”

Do you come from a long line of trashy, smoking, bar flies that consume fast food, or are you a new link in the chain? Either way, thank you, because if you trash the roadways and your body, you are probably teaching your future generation to be trashy too.

Was that your super sized french fry container, Newport cigarette box and Bud Lite can I saw roadside? Thank you. Jasper County was too beautiful anyway and needed to be scarred with unwanted debris.

I know it would be unreasonable to expect you to hold on to your cancer causing, artery clogging, heart disease producing evidence until you get home from your long commute.

Thank you because convicts serving community service hours and devoted volunteers from civic and charitable organizations needed more of your refuse to clean up.

So thank you young, smoking, drinking fast food eating junkie for being too lazy to put your waste in a trash receptacle. Your contribution to humanity is invaluable.

For questions or concerns email: suzannemcginnis@me.com