Get Myself A Boat

I’m fixing to get myself a boat.

This acquisition is not of my own choosing. In fact, I have many reasons for not desiring to be a boat owner again, however the decision is out of my hands because of a new law.

I say “again” because I have been the owner of two previous boats during my life. The first one was a Baja, a sparkling rocket of a speed boat, which during my youth represented daring and defiance of death, as it skipped over the waves at breakneck speed.

The second one, later in my life, was a pontoon boat, which plodded over the waves representing the patience I had acquired and the realization that I was not immortal.

At separate times I rid myself of each of them, at no profit I might add, but to peace of mind from cleaning them, tethering them, registering them, paying property taxes on them, insuring them and repairing them.

After the second one was gone from my life I promised myself I would never saddle myself with such a burden again. But now I have to because of this new law.

This new law is known as the Affordable Boat Act (ABA), passed by both houses and signed into law, all 3,947 pages of it, without having been read by anyone. I have heard it was passed so everyone could see what the self-enlightened minds who wrote it had included inside it.

It turned out that it was written because, up until now, only financially responsible people had been able to purchase boats. The new law makes it possible for every citizen to be able to purchase an affordable boat of their own.

To make sure everyone purchases a boat, the ABA has made sure the cost of a boat will increase on an average of 300 percent, so that financially responsible people will pay more for something which other people don’t want and can’t afford to maintain. But to be fair, people who can’t afford to buy or maintain a boat will be eligible for rebates from the government to cover these costs.

The word was out that if you already had a boat and you liked that boat you could keep it, but it turns that was not the case. This, and other information no one seems to know about, keeps emerging about the ABA.

One thing we do know is that by April 1, 2014, everybody has to buy a boat, and if you don’t you’ll be fined $1,000 a month until you do.

Also, just discovered inside the ABA, regulations that a government review board made up of political appointees from various groups, individuals and corporations who had made significant contributions to elected officials, will determine when, where and for what purposes you could use your boat.

They would also dictate how many people could ride in your boat, whether anyone was too old or not healthy enough to use it, and what specific accessories must a boat include.

There are certain folks who are exempt from the ABA, including children under the age of 26, as long as their parents have a boat. This exemption also extends to legislative staffers, union members, government employees and illegal aliens.

I’m fixing to go apply for a government job.