I’m Fixing to See How Much Longer I Got Left to Live

I’m fixing to see how much longer I got left to live.

I found this site on the Internet, I think it was called daysleftinthesaddle.com. It wasn’t exactly that, but something similar. It’s no matter about the exact name of the web site, just the purpose of it, which was to help me figure out how much time I had left so I could change my habits so I would last a little longer, or at least figure out when to give my antique bottle collection away so the government wouldn’t confiscate it to pay my medical bills. You might not have an antique bottle collection, but I guarantee you’ve got something they want.

But back to what the purpose of daysleftinthesaddle.com was, or what I supposed it to be, or what they led me to believe it to be. It turned out that like so many things in life, their purpose was quite different than what their message portrayed, but I’ll get to that in a little bit.

They claimed they could tell you exactly how long you were going to live if you fed all this information into their survey. And on top of that they claimed that once they determined how long you had left to live they could offer remedies to extend your time.

The survey started off by asking how old I was presently. That’s when I first got that little niggling feeling that something wasn’t quite right, so I typed in that presently I was as old as I had ever been, but they insisted on a number. Now I believe if a body tells me they are 90 years old I can safely predict they gonna be dead soon. And by the same token, if they tell me they are 50 years old I can pretty much assure them that chances are they are gonna live another 30 or 40 years.

The next thing they wanted to know was if either of my parents had died of a dread disease or a gunshot wound. That’s when another little alarm went off in my head, because any fool knows if you get wounded by a gunshot you ain’t killed.

The survey continued on by requesting medical information like your blood pressure, what medications you took and if fried dill pickles were a major part of your diet.

But the real kicker was, the hint that told me who daysleftinthesaddle.com really were, was when they informed me that if I included my social security number they could use a government grant to get me a 20 percent discount on a vast array of remedies that would extend my life span to an unimaginable age.

Right after they started listing their remedies, as soon as I saw the first one was a powder consisting of ground armadillo shells that was supposed to improve your sight, I closed the web site because everybody knows that armadillos are half blind.

But it was too late! They started bombarding me with emails and it took me an hour to figure out how to block them.

I hope I’ve heard the last from daysleftinthesaddle.com. But I did learn a valuable lesson. Weird virtual places are just like weird real places—it’s a good idea to be fixing to stay away from both of them!