I’m Fixing to Make a List

I’m fixing to make a list.

When you hear that, it being the time of year it is, you’ll probably figure I’m talking about a list of all the things I hope I’ll be getting for Christmas.

I might get around to making that list, but I make all kinds of lists all the time.

After a little mishap with the microwave, I made a list of things not to put into it. Never put grapes in the microwave because they will not turn into raisins. And don’t attempt to dehydrate your jalapenos in it either. And never, never ever put the cat into it.

Another list I’m working on is one of the things I’m not allowed to do. Topping off that list is to not go in the kitchen when my wife is cooking. I also added to it that I can’t put pictures of people I don’t like up on the bulletin board at the post office.

A while back I started a list of things I don’t have to do before I die. I don’t have to go to Graceland, tame a wild horse or get a Mohawk haircut. And I don’t have to stop eating fried chicken livers either.

One of the most impressive lists I ever drew up was one listing the things you should never do. Never argue with a police man or you’ll end up in a dank cell with a guy named Bubba Beefsteak. Never have an extra drink, the one that transforms you from being hilarious to hyena.

And if you enjoy having the ladies around you never ever hang your keys from your belt, or they will boycott you.

One time I thought it would be nice to have a list of things you could do while you were bored. About all I could think of was that I could scratch, and maybe try not to swallow my tongue. It turned out to be such a boring task that I decided I had rather just be bored.

Another time I made a list of things not to do at a funeral. Number one on that list is to never make a fuss about the undertaker closing the coffin before you find your contact lens.

After making all these lists I thought it wouldn’t be difficult at all to make up that Christmas gift list, but I found that not to be true because I couldn’t think of anything I truly wanted. So I made a list of the things I don’t want for Christmas. It included neckties, socks and movies about vampires and wizards. After some more thought I added sweaters and fruit cakes to it.

My Cousin Elroy didn’t have any trouble making his Christmas wish list. He came by and told me he was hoping for a big Poulan chain saw with a 32 inch bar on it, a Kawasaki Mule, a Remington automatic shotgun and some retreads for his truck.

I remember when all I wanted for Christmas was my two front teeth. Now I’m fixing to need a root canal and some implants.