I’m Fixing to Get Myself a Part Time Job

I’m fixing to get myself a part time job.

I applied at a local construction company and they told me I was too old and too fat to labor out in the sun. They said I would never survive the hard work and that the blood pressure pills I took would make me dizzy and that I would more than likely nail my hand to a wall or my foot to a floor with a nail gun.

I didn’t even know they used nail guns. I thought they still swung hammers, but I was wrong and had to agree with their denial of my services.

Then I applied at a burger joint and they asked me why I wanted to work there. When I told them I loved to eat burgers they told me I was too old and too fat and that they didn’t allow eating on the job. Once again I had to agree with my rejection, so I bought a couple of juicy burgers and left.

The main reason I was looking for a part time job was because my wealth had been redistributed and I figured that any month now my social security check was going to bounce.

I applied at Walmart and they told me I was too good looking and would probably offend some of their customers. When I started looking around I had to agree with them, too.

Then I went and applied for a job with the government. Initially they told me I was too old, but when I threatened them with an age discrimination law suit they backed down and referred me on to the space program. When I got there they told me they had farmed out all the jobs to the Russians.

As a last resort I applied for a job at a nursing home, but while I was there they mistook me for a resident and assigned me to a room and a wheel chair. I escaped the first night after the staff dozed off.

I hope y’all will understand my frustration, which was so great that I sought out the council of my Cousin Elroy, who had a lot of experience at being out of work. But it seems that he had hit upon a bonanza.

What he had done was get himself a job as a stand-up comic, but they had dismissed him due to the extreme language of his routine. So what he had done was win a lawsuit against them for restriction of his constitutional right of free speech, and he ended up owning the comic club.

I got my part time job then. What Cousin Elroy did was hire me as the bouncer. But the first time I tried to throw out some rowdy customers they had told me I was too old and too fat to do that.

I fixing to retire, again.