Mary

My dear friend, Mary Smalling, lost her battle with cancer Saturday. And, for her, that’s a wonderful thing. She is no longer suffering.

For those of us who loved her, and had seen her in recent months, we have to rejoice that she has gone to be with the Lord. But, for those of us who knew her, we are so very sad to lose this light of our lives.

Mary was a free spirit. She was at home in the great outdoors and delighted in nature’s beauty. Every time she came to my house in the evening she would marvel at the sunset. She took time to appreciate the little things in life. She helped others to appreciate the little things in life.

Mary loved all living things–plants, flowers, birds, butterflies, dogs, you name it. Two of her favorites were butterflies and hummingbirds. Her son, Joey, made a unique stand with a hummingbird and butterfly to display at the memorial service.

Butterflies are so precious. I remember I accidentally hit one with my car and it stuck to the grill. It broke my heart to see what I had done.

My beautiful, artistic friend Mary took that beautiful dead yellow butterfly and put it on a speckled background and framed it. On the back, she put Kathy’s “grill kill” immortalized by Mary, 2003.

Our daughter, Hannah, had the same experience that summer. Guess what? Both Hannah’s and my grill kill are framed and hanging on the wall in my bedroom.

And, my observant, considerate, caring oldest grandson obviously noticed them. Because one year for Christmas, when he was about 10, he picked out all his own Christmas presents, and bought them himself, and he gave me butterfly-themed gifts because he knew I liked butterflies. So we know Mary’s appreciation for nature’s beauty has been passed on at least two generations.

Mary also had a unique talent. She could spot a four-leaf clover in a bed of clover in no time.

Mary was probably the most generous soul I’ve ever known. She never knew financial wealth. Things did not mean a lot to her. She would give you her last dollar without batting an eye if you needed it.

You had to be careful when you admired something of Mary’s, because she would give it to you. She loved to spread beauty and in doing so, spread joy.

It’s funny, Mary gave Jimmy his favorite coffee cup, and he doesn’t even know it.

We were at her house one Christmas eve, and one of the children’s friends was there and said she had not gotten Jimmy a Christmas gift.

Well, Mary happened to have a coffee cup with a deer on it. And anyone who knows Jimmy knows how much he loves deer. Mary grabbed the coffee cup and gave it to the child who wrapped it and gave it to Jimmy. I think of Mary every time he drinks from that cup. And he thinks of the child who gave it to him, unbeknownst to him of where it came from.

Some people consider mine and Mary’s friendship an oddity. See, we were both married to the same man, but of course, at different times. Mary was my children’s stepmother for a time. And, while she was married to their father, she didn’t have a lot of use for me.

But once they divorced, she got to know me. After all we sort of shared children. Even though she and Wayne divorced, she never divorced my children. Hannah and Emily both called Mary, Mama Mary. Mary loved them dearly and was the best stepmother a child could have.

She was so talented. One year, Hannah had to make a “diorama” for school. That is not up my alley. But Mary helped her, and it turned out great. So great, in fact, that the teacher accused Hannah of not doing it herself. Boy, that made Mary mad. Because, Mary knew how important it was for the child to do it herself to learn. So, yes, Mary helped, but Hannah did it.

Mary has three children. Lara was the only one at home when she and Wayne were married, and Lara is in between Hannah and Emily in age. All three have always been close. Mary graciously credited me with getting Lara involved in recreation ball, in the Hurricane marching band, and in other activities that my children were involved in. I don’t think Mary ever realized how much she did for my children.

While she was sick, over the last nine months or so, Hannah said she was going to write Mary a letter to make sure Mary knew how much she as appreciated. Hannah told me Monday that she could still hear Mary’s voice because she had a voice mail saved from her. And, even though it was from when she sick, it was a good day, and Mary is cheerful and upbeat.

As a matter of fact, Mary was upbeat throughout her sickness. I would go see her to receive a pick-me-up. Months ago she said she couldn’t die yet because she had too many people to thank for all they had done for her. She praised the staff at the hospitals she had to visit. She praised the friends, some she barely knew, who supported her. She praised her children who took care of her. One day recently she said she liked to see me because I was always optimistic. I was shocked. I was going to see her because she was so optimistic.

During these last days, I assured Lara I would be there for her and try to fill in the gap as much as possible left by the loss of her mother. I’ve long felt like a surrogate mother to Lara, a child who holds her emotions in and is hard to understand sometimes.

As every cloud has a silver lining, during Mary’s sickness I have had the pleasure of getting to know her oldest daughter, Amy, and just in the last couple weeks, her son, Joey.

I’ve known Amy for a long time. We were at each other’s most recent weddings which were nearly a decade ago, and our lives have crossed numerous times because of mine and Mary’s friendship. But, while I visited with Mary while she was sick, and oftentimes Amy was there, too, I got to know her so much better. And, I grew to love her.

Then, just a week or so ago, Joey came down from Maryland to visit his mother. I had never met Joey’s father, and did not remember meeting Joey. I had met Joey’s wife the previous time they were in town when I ran into her and Lara at the grocery store. When I saw Joey at Abbey Hospice, I knew I had indeed met him several times before. And, in the short time I’ve been around he and Melissa in the last weeks, I have grown to love them, too.

An aside here. I wanted to meet Joey’s father, Harold, because I knew Mary had never stopped loving him, nor him her. Their marriage did not work out, and their lives went in different directions. But, as long as I’ve known Mary, she has at times made reference to Harold. I finally met him. We chatted a bit, and I came out and asked him why they never got back together. He said they had toyed with the notion many times, but their lives were in different places. My sympathy is with him now, too, because I suspect he is feeling the loss as profoundly as Mary’s children and other friends, but does not have the support system that is here. Joey and Melissa will be going home soon, though, and they can cry together with Harold in Maryland.

So it is. When a light is gone from our world, we share in remembering the light. The chapel at Jordan Funeral Home was overflowing Monday evening with people who loved Mary, and wanted to comfort her siblings, her children and each other. It’s good to know so many people loved Mary, because she loved everybody.

Hopefully, before long, the tears will end, and only the beautiful memories will remain.