Beat the Heat

I’m fixing to beat the heat.

It seems like July arrived in June this year and I’ve been searching for some ways to beat the heat.

My first innovation was to squirt myself with a spray bottle of water that I keep in the refrigerator. That’s what elephants do, except they squirt themselves with water they suck up in their trunks instead of using a spray bottle. But instead squirting it behind my ears like an elephant, I begin spraying at my wrists to quickly cool down the blood flow. As the water evaporates, it cools you off.

Another thing I do at night when the heat is still trapped inside is to reverse my window fan so that it blows out instead of in. Having a fan blowing in is a good idea, but it’s not as effective as one blowing out under certain conditions.

You need to close that damper in your fireplace, too. An open one pulls hot air into your house instead of sucking it out.

Close everything else, too. Whether the air conditioner is on or off, keep windows and doors shut. When the outside air is hotter than the inside air, an opening will suck the cool air right out.

And if your air conditioner conks out, you can make yourself a makeshift one. If it’s hot but not humid, place a shallow bowl of ice in front of a fan and enjoy the breeze. As the ice melts, then evaporates, it will cool you off.

A similar trick to use when the air outside is dry and cooler than the air inside is to hang a wet sheet in an open window. That’s what I used to do when we were kids. The incoming breezes are cooled by the evaporating water in the wet sheet.

Or if any of these techniques don’t tickle your fancy, there are some unorthodox methods.

You can buy a five-gallon bucket of ice cream, scoop out a big hole in the middle, turn the bucket upside down and put it on you head and use the handle as a chin strap.

Or, after you eat both halves of a cold watermelon, rest your bare feet in the rinds. They’ll still be cool, and it’s kind of fun to squish the seeds around between your toes. It’ll take your mind off the heat.

A sure way to stay cool as you begin the day of a hot morning is to put your clothes in the freezer overnight. You might have a difficult time getting them on, and walk a little stiff at first, but it’ll definitely give you a cool start to the day.

And instead of placing that ice pack on your aching back, put it on your head before you put your hat on.

I’ve got some half frozen water balloons in the freezer. I’m fixing to go see if my wife wants to have a water balloon fight.