I’m Fixing to Go on a Staycation

I’m fixing to go on a staycation.

That’s kind of like a vacation, except instead of going anywhere, you take your relaxation, entertainment, sunbathing, fine dining, and all those other things you do on vacation, at home instead of some exotic location.

This way I’ll save the cost of transportation, a new wardrobe, lodging, eating out and all the myriad of other costs associated with traveling. I’ll just give all my gratuities to my wife instead of waiters and bellhops, that way I can always borrow them back from her.

The first thing I’m going to do is set up one of those little refrigerators in my bedroom and stock it with snacks, drinks and other goodies. That way instead of paying three dollars for a Baby Ruth I can put three in it that I got at the Dollar Store for a dollar.

Then I’m going to dig that little coffee pot, from years ago, out of the garage and set it up on the vanity in the bath room so I can have coffee in bed every morning. I suppose I’ll just have to pretend it was delivered by room service.

After I put an outgoing message on my e-mail and my answering machine I’ll stay up real late watching movies every night and just sleep in until I wake up naturally every morning.

By the time the surf would be up on the beach I’ll mosey on down to the lake and blow up my plastic float, the one with a cup holder in it for my beverage. Then I’ll float around in the sun while the dogs are slowly sizzling on the grill.

About that time would be when my float sprung a leak and a slow drizzling would set in for the day.

And my seafood buffet that night would consist of a can of tuna fish and a can of clam chowder soup.

The next morning it would probably be overcast and dreary, and by then I would have decided this staycation thing wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

If anybody is looking for me, I’ll be in a beach-front motel room down in Gulf Shores, and I’ll be fixing to dine at the Oyster House every night.