I’m Fixing to be Too Old To Do That Anymore

I’m fixing to be too old to do that anymore.

This break in winter weather we’ve been having lately has given me a premature case of spring fever, and I just wanted to do something.

So I trimmed all my crepe myrtles and ran the lawn mower over the yard to vacuum up all the dead grass so the sun could get down to the roots, what’s left of them after that armadillo had his way with it.

But I still wasn’t satisfied so I gathered up a pickup truck load of the trimmings from the crepe myrtles and hauled them off to the landfill. It was still early, so I stopped by the Dairy Queen for some breakfast. After a ham-and-egg biscuit and three cups of coffee, I felt like I was just getting started, so I rushed off home looking for some other spring things to do.

I figured it wasn’t going to get cold enough for a fire again, which prompted me to move a cord of fire wood I had left on my deck. That took a while and did sap some of my newly found spring fever out of me, because I had to toss it piece by piece over the rail of my deck and then re-stack it on my patio.

While I was down there I noticed there were still several blocks of wood that I never got around to splitting, so I got my ax and finished that job. As I was putting my ax and wedge away I noticed that my patio had a lot of leaves on it and really needed cleaning off. After I finished that, the patio looked so good that I decided my driveway needed it too.

Next, I tackled my garage, and after about an hour, there was room to get in and out of my car without having to squeeze through a crack after I opened the door.

It was getting on toward lunch time by then, and I refreshed myself with a big glass of sweet tea and a sandwich made with white bread, thick-sliced baloney and some Blue Plate mayonnaise.

The sun was sparkling bright, and it was an unseasonable 72 degrees, so I set about trimming my roses, my jungle gardenias and my hydrangeas, which necessitated another run to the landfill, where the director of that facility told me I ought to get myself a goat.

The fever was still running high when I got back home, and when I went out on the deck to see what else I could repair from winter’s damage, I noticed my dock was covered with dark mold. Out came the pressure washer, and I strung all the hoses together to get water down to it, then it wouldn’t start. After changing a plug and skinning some knuckles, I got her going and dispensed with all that ugly mold, but then I realized it had to be weatherized with some stain or the mold would come right back.

So off to the store I went, where I found the five-gallon of stain that used to cost $54 now cost $112, Well, I was already there so I forgot about this drawback and went ahead and bought it. I also forgot my chiropractor had told me not to lift anything over 25 pounds, and when I picked it up, I felt this little twinge in my back and a searing pain shoot down my right leg. Sometimes you just have to disobey the doctor.

I was almost back home when I realized I had forgotten to get myself a roller, but I did have a big wide brush. It didn’t help my back, but I finished painting that dock. As I slowly straightened up from that backbreaking job, the day didn’t look so rosy anymore.
But there was still this slight amount of fever burning in me, so I got out the tiller and tilled up some flower beds, knowing my friend John Boy Degarmo would be proud of me. Then I got my edger out and put a good edging on the front and back lawns so those runners wouldn’t get the best of me later. Finally, it got dark on me and I just had to quit.

When I attempted to get out of bed this morning, my body almost refused to do it. I had to rub myself down with some of that blue ointment and take a couple of Advil’s before I could make it down the stairs. My body was so sore that my hair hurt, and that’s when I realized I’m fixing to be too old to do that anymore.