Developmental Influences on Children
I have compiled a list, yes ladies and gentlemen, a list exists that could change your life…and save the sanity of your children.
We are, after all, the gatekeepers of the fragile minds of our offspring, aren’t we? In a world of simulated stimulation that is focused on the temporal development of our toddlers; I, Jason Parr, have identified the enemy, and seek to circumvent another attack on the gelatinous mass that dwells between my children’s ears.
The list is as follows: first, Barney is evil. I am not kidding people; he is the epitome of human degradation! Have you watched this thing? Its danger is hidden in the fact that at first, he appears to care about your child. He seems to…love your child. It is presented in the opening song, and continues throughout the show.
The twisted thing is that, as these children are going through their day, they are actually playing with a…here it comes…a stuffed purple dinosaur! Yes, that 12-year-old tall blonde boy is dancing around with a stuffed dinosaur! All in the name of education!
At first, I was totally o.k. with the “loveable, bouncy, way too light on his feet for a big guy, Barney,” then, after no TV for years, I watched it for the first time in a long time; and I was like…” you mean I left my kids alone with this thing???!!!. No wonder they are so overly anxious to help!
Second, Teletubbies! Oh my goodness who in the world is tripping on this stuff! Have you watched this show with your kids? It’s like the most disturbing thing since, oh I don’t know, since Barney!
I will never forget the first time I watched the show with my children; when we got done I grabbed an encyclopedia and read about 50 pages, just to add back the intelligence that this show had just sucked out of their skulls! Oh, it’s twisted!
Just when you don’t think it can get any worse…two bunnies go hopping across the rolling hills of bliss. I think this is Britain’s secret weapon to make all Americans as stupid as possible.
Just listen to the names of these characters…seriously, say these out loud and think about the fact that your children are hanging out with them on a regular basis. Here goes…Tinky Winky…Dipsey…La La…and then there is Po. C’mon, would you hire a baby sitter to watch your child for 30 minutes whose name was La La, dressed in a yellow body suit, and had a TV strapped to his/her belly? Well, ya are!
Third, look, you know its coming so deal with it, Blues Clues! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that grown man who lives by himself; and has nothing better to do, than play a game, where his blue dog leaves “paw print” clues to challenging riddles…and he puts them in his Handy Dandy notebook! What’s more…he needs your three year olds’ help with this!
Good ‘ol Steve, who never changes his clothes (someone told him he looked good in green stripes during a very influential time in his life). Even the original Steve knew when it was time to bail on this one. Hey…if Blue skidoo, then you should too!
Fourth, the Wiggles. Someone will have to face God and repent about this show. I wouldn’t want to be him/her on judgment day! There could be a little fire and brimstone in their future.
Hey people…these are grown men in their pajamas singing about mashed potatoes and fruit salad, accompanied by “Captain Feathersword,” and a Purple Octopus! They drove around in a tiny red car, and it was properly named the”Wiggles mobile.”
I swear, I will never forget the day I saw these guys singing on the morning show in downtown NYC. It took about two seconds for me to deduce that there was no way on God’s green earth that my kids were watching this thing…I simply love them too much.
List to be continued next week!
Jason, Father of six