College Football Mascots and Wildlife

Wildlife has always been a great passion of mine, but with the start of college football this past weekend, I must confess that my passion for this sport is currently occupying my mind more than critters. But, there’s no reason why I can’t talk about both in this column, right? Of course not!

Many of our beloved southeastern football teams have animal nicknames or names otherwise derived from nature, some better associated than others. I tend to think that football mascots should not only be fierce, but also geographically well-represent the school.

Let’s take a look and see which schools have done a good job, and which have not. Warning, I will almost certainly insult some of you and your schools, but let me just say that I’m an equal-opportunity insulter and will prove it immediately by starting with my school.

Although the latter is actually the battle cry and not the team nickname, many consider Auburn to be indecisive by being both the “Tigers” and the “War Eagles” (BTW, how come no one ever gives Tech fans a hard time for being both the “Yellow Jackets” and the “Rambling Wreck?” Just saying).

Either way, both are bad names for representing the school. Last I checked Tigers are from Asia, not Alabama. If we were the Auburn Tiger Salamanders or Auburn Tiger Swallowtail Butterflies, that would be more geographically accurate, but neither of those critters would strike much fear into the competition (same argument for the Clemson and LSU “Tigers”—bad team names).

There are indeed bald eagles in Alabama, but with the exception of an occasional migration-challenged individual, the golden eagle that flies above the stadium before every home game is much more of a western species. At least Georgia Southern uses the proper eagle species—kudos to them.

The aforementioned Georgia Tech “Yellow Jackets”–great name. I’ve seen grown men, including myself, run away from and scream like little girls when swarmed upon by angry yellow jackets. These native insects may be individually small, but with good teamwork they can pack a vicious punch.

OK, what about the “Alabama Crimson Tide?” Bama fans consider the mascot a red elephant, but what fan would want to be associated with a term/issue that no one is comfortable with talking about (i.e., “the red elephant in the room?”) And, unless they’re referring to wooly, prehistoric creatures, I’m pretty sure no elephant species is native to that state. “Crimson Tide” actually refers to a colonial organism – a microscopic algal bloom, a.k.a “red tide,” that poisons fish and other aquatic animals in the Gulf of Mexico. Poison – real classy Bama!

Here’s where most of my hate mail starts getting written. The Georgia “Bulldogs” (and let’s also add Mississippi State to this problem nickname)—geez, where do I start? Well, you would think the mascot would at least be an American Bulldog, but it’s an English Bulldog! They don’t even like guns in England! And the dog itself, albeit quite cute, is nothing short of a genetic mistake.

Most bulldogs have Chronic Airway Obstruction, which makes it difficult for them to breathe properly, resulting in, among many other things, being very heat-intolerant. They have numerous eye and spinal problems, pregnant females always require Caesarian deliveries, and the males have only one nut! Not a mascot I would want to be associated with.

The Florida “Gators”—great nickname. Alligators are native to the state and they’re atop the food-chain as a predator of just about anything. But Florida had to ruin a good thing by illustrating their gators as being green—darn it, alligators are black! That has always been a major pet-peeve of mine.

How ‘bout the South Carolina “Gamecocks?” I’m morally and ethically opposed to the forced fighting of animals for human entertainment, so I have no appreciation for that nickname. Plus, I wouldn’t be comfortable yelling “Lets Go Cocks!” Nor could I similarly support Austin Peay State University in Tennessee —“Lets Go Peay!”
There are no native hogs in Arkansas, but there are feral populations of them roaming the hills. Boars can be pretty intimidating, so all in all they have a decent nickname in the “Razorbacks.”

But, it will be a cold day in hell before I support a team coached by Atlanta Falcon-turncoat Bobby Petrino. Speaking of the Falcons, good nickname! We have Peregrine Falcons nesting in downtown Atlanta and others hunting ducks and shorebirds along our coast in the winter. And, they are relentless, fierce, and super-fast.

Then we have the Miami “Hurricanes.” While not wildlife, hurricanes are a force of nature and therefore kind of fit into this discussion. These tropical cyclones are definitely associated with south Florida, but like the official Atlantic hurricane season, the football team’s season, for all intents and purposes, is usually over by November 30. See you in the Kohler Toilet Bowl, or if you’re lucky, the Poulan Weed-eater Independence Bowl!

“Rebels,” “Seminoles,” “Commodores,” and “Volunteers” are not wildlife, so no need to discuss the potential merits of their team nicknames. Plus, with all the NCAA violations and investigations going on at Tennessee, we might not be legally allowed to publish anything on them anyhow.

What team would I vote as having the best wildlife-related team nickname in the Southeast? Without a doubt, the Florida A&M Rattlers! The Eastern Diamondback Rattlesnake, the species depicted in their logo, is one magnificent beast and is endemic to the Deep South.

As the largest rattlesnake in the world and largest venomous snake in the U.S., this reptile is a fierce and deadly predator, and scares the bejesus out of most everybody. Further, because it uses its rattle to warn those it doesn’t intend to eat, it is quite the classy animal. Best team nickname, and perhaps also the best college band.

Regardless of what team you cheer for and how good or bad their nickname is I wish every team great success this season.
Except when they are playing my Auburn Tigers…or War Eagles…or Plainsmen…or whatever we are.