I’m Fixing to Get One-Free-with-One

I’m fixing to get one-free-with-one.

Who wouldn’t go for a deal like that—where you pay for the first item and get the second one absolutely free?

I always go for that one-free-with-one on the fried pork skins—the chicarones. I like to munch on one bag on the way home and save the other one for late at night when I’m watching an old Elvis movie, and chase them down with a root beer.

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What most folks don’t know is that most of the time when something is on sale with the one-free-with-one deal, is that you can just buy one and get it for half of the regular price.

But they don’t explain that in their advertising or signage in the hope that you’ll be a sucker and buy two of whatever it is whether you need two or not.

That’s not always the case though. I stopped at a famous chicken sandwich place up in Woodstock, last week and to my surprise they had a free sandwich when you bought one.

There was no advertisement, they just told me when I placed my order. I promptly told them, no, I would just take one of them at half-price. They promptly told me it didn’t work that way, that I had to pay full price for the first one and I could have a second one free if I so desired. I took the free one and sold it to the guy behind me in line for half-price. Showed them!

And it’s usually stuff we could do without that is sold that way, like the aforementioned pig skins. I mean you never see one pork chop free-with-one, or one T bone free-with-one.

The one-free-with-one is a sales and marketing scheme designed to move more goods through the system, and is usually reserved for food items, however, there is a guy on TV a lot trying to sell you one-suit-free-with-one. Sometimes he even says he’ll throw in a couple of ties and five shirts.

I wonder if anyone ever thought about applying the one-free-with-one to things other than material ones?

What if you could get a wife-free-with-a wife, or a husband-free-with-one? Or what if it was required for you to do so?

I can hear some of you out there grinding your teeth in agony, and feel your blood pressure rising, at just the thought of that. And I must admit the initial thought of such a thing makes me shudder with apprehension.

The first thing that would happen in such a situation would be that jealousy would raise its vile head. And you know jealousy is like the gout, you never know when it will come on.

And usually when it does appear it flies like lightening upon you with envenomed wrath, and bites, scratches and tears at your very being. And unlike an experienced sailor who knows a perfect calm at sea is usually followed by a violent storm, you have no such warning before the storm of jealousy dashes you upon a rocky shore.

I fixing to forget I ever thought about a wife-free-with-one, and anytime I want one-free-with-one, I’m fixing to stick with fried pig skins.