I’m Fixing to Get on Back Home

(Editor’s Note: Ted Dunagan is on Sabbatical from writing his column. For the next few weeks, The Monticello News will feature some columns that ran previously.)

I’m fixing to get on back home.

I knew I was out of my league before they ever called my name. And I wouldn’t even be here now if my brother Fred hadn’t convinced me that I was exceptionally good.

We had practiced a lot at home out in the yard and when my brother discovered I could beat him handily, even though I was three years younger than him, he had become my manager.

And he was ruthless. As soon as we got home from school he would begin putting me through the paces, coaching me on technique all the while.

He was a good manager even though he worked me real hard. He would get me all psyched up by challenging me and calling me uncomplimentary names and I would respond with exceptional performance and great improvement.

Under his tutelage and training, I got better and better, gained confidence and convinced myself that I could be a champion. But that was before I saw the competition.

It was Saturday afternoon when we all gathered in the parking lot next to Old Claud Cunningham’s feed and seed store and watched the officials mark off the boundaries while the crowd milled around sipping on RCs and NEHIs.

The adrenaline was flowing as Fred massaged my neck muscles and whispered encouragement in my ear, but my confidence level descended mightily when I observed two of my competitors.

Right next to me was last year’s champion, Alvin Rivers. He weighed about 300 pounds and was walking around spitting in all directions.

Two parking spots over was last year’s runner up, Jimmy Lee Deas. He looked in top condition and was intimidating as he began to warm up his lips.

Finally it was time. The starter blew his whistle and called us all to the line, and one by one we spit out watermelon seeds as far as we could while the judge ran out with their measuring tapes.

The whipped, trounced me, and embarrassed me.

My manager and I conceded defeat and congratulated the winner, who received two sacks of dog food as the grand prize.

We headed toward home and started fixing to find us some other kind of talent to compete in.