I’m Fixing to Get Myself into Shape

I’m fixing to get myself into shape.

I don’t mean the type of shape to be able to run, or even jog, a few miles. Nope, I had to give that up a long time ago. It’s gotten so that when I run or jog my knees buckle more than my belt buckle does. Speaking of belt buckles, something is wrong with mine. Someone must have moved it, or maybe the holes in my belt, because they don’t line up anymore.

Okay, so I couldn’t run anymore, but I figured I could exercise. But it didn’t take me long to realize that I was allergic to exercise.

What happened when I tried it was that my skin got all red, I got real dizzy and suffered from shortness of breath. It also ruined my clothes by getting them all wet and sticky from sweat.

Yep, it turned out that exercise was a very dangerous thing to do and I made a decision to avoid it in the future.

What I decided to do was to approach this getting myself into shape from a different angle.

My next idea was to trick myself into eating two meals a day instead of three. What I started doing was sleeping in till about ten or eleven o’clock in the morning so I would miss breakfast. That way I would only eat lunch and dinner. But alas, that didn’t work either.

The thing I ended up doing was eating lunch and dinner and then having a midnight feast. Sometimes it was a cold pizza, a baloney, cheese, tomato and onion sandwich, or that casserole in the fridge that was left over from a couple of days ago. The end result of this idea was that I gained 10 pounds, or either somebody had been messing with my belt again.

My next approach of getting myself into shape was to pick an exercise that was easy as well as fun. Golf! I mean even though we rode a cart, you still had to do some walking. Well, I knew I would get weak after about six holes if I didn’t eat a good healthy breakfast before departing for the golf course, so some eggs and hash browns were in order. Then after nine holes you get real hungry what with all that swinging, putting and lining up your shots. I mean that’s a lot of work.

So after nine holes there was nowhere to eat lunch except at the clubhouse. And the only thing they had were big, fat juicy cheeseburgers with some excellent french fries. After 18 holes of golf a man gets awful hungry at the end of the day, so a good dinner was in order.

Needless to say I had to give up playing golf every day. For some reason it had the opposite effect of what I had intended.

Someone told me that I could stay skinny eating cake and pie if I only ate half of it once a week. After several weeks I confronted them with the fact that I was not staying skinny. After some interrogation it was explained to me that I was only supposed to eat half of a serving and not half of a pie.

In one last desperate attempt I stopped sending my clothes to the laundry and started ironing everything while standing on my tiptoes and guzzling Mountain Dew.

Needless to say that technique was too hard on my toes to continue.

I finally figured it out–I’m fixing to buy some bigger clothes and fool everybody.