I’m Fixing to Make a List of Things to Not Ever Do Again

I’m fixing to make a list of things to not ever do again.

I needed a list just to remind myself occasionally because I tend to forget sometimes. So I came up with my top 10 list and used an obsolete political magnet message pad to stick the list on the front door of my refrigerator. That seemed like a good place to post it because it seems like every time I turn around I’m standing in front of that big container of goodies.

Now if I would have stuck that list on the handle of my lawn mower I would surely have forgotten all those things, because I wasn’t going near that thing again since cutting grass was one of the items on my list of things I wasn’t fixing to do again. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

I’ll start with a few of the things I haven’t done in a long time anyway. The first one I’m not going to do anymore is jump out of an airplane anymore. Beginning with the first time, I told the Lord if He would just let me get my feet on the ground once more I would never do it again. I prayed that same prayer every time and I finally kept my word after the 43rd time.

I’m not going to pick up anything heavy anymore. The last time I picked up a washing machine and toted it up a hill I ended up in the bed for a week and couldn’t get out of it except by rolling out. The chiropractor told me what a bad back I had and taught me how to not injure it in the future, which included not picking up anything heavy.

There was just one thing the chiropractor failed to tell me to refrain from, and that was not to do the limbo at any beach or pool parties. I did and I ended up back in the chiropractor’s office, so that’s how not doing the limbo ever again got its way on my list.

The last time I took a trip on an airplane I was assigned the center seat between to very large men, not tall, large, very large. I was wedged in between the two of them like a sardine. The both went to sleep immediately, but one snored like a bulldozer and the other lolled his head over toward my shoulder and drooled on me all the way to Nashville. I’m not going to be fixing to get on an airplane again.

I’m not going to get my Cousin Elroy out of jail anymore.

I’m not going to eat another chitterlings omelette’s ever again. Elroy is the one who served it to me. That’s why I’m not getting him out of jail anymore.

We already covered number seven on the list—not cutting grass anymore. I may add an addendum to this one to include yard work of all types.

I’m not going to cheer for Georgia Tech anymore. In fact I’m putting a hex on them so that the Dawgs beat them for the next 10 years straight.

I’m not fixing to stay out all night ever again. I used to do that and could function fairly well the next day. Not anymore. I used to not care whether I ate or slept, just party, baby! These days a nice dinner and a good night’s sleep seem to mean a lot more to me than they used to. Priorities change.

And now for number 10 on my list of things to never do again—imagine a drum-roll please! I’m fixing to never again make a to-do list of the things I need to do. From now on I’m concentrating on the things I’m fixing to never do again!