Figure Out Which Word To Use

I’m fixing to figure out which word to use.

Do I use “was” or do I use “were?”  Do I say “who” or do I say “whom?”  Do I use “that” or do I use “which?”

I distinctly remember my English teacher instructing us when we ought to use this word or that one and the rules used to determine when and how to use the correct word, and even conducting written exercises to instill the grammar rules in our young brains.

But at the time my brain was out the window, outside on the playground anticipating the next period when I would be out there shucking and jiving with all my friends, talking big and strutting around in the ceremony which took place, or that took place, before we would  begin choosing up sides for our softball game.

The two toughest jocks were always gently shoved to the front of the crowd where they would flip a coin to see who got first choice of the players.

We would all just mill around while this went on, knowing what was going to happen—the one who won the toss would pick the best player and the second one would pick the next best player.

And so it would go on until they got down to the dregs, the guys who weren’t very good and who, or whom, nobody wanted on their team.

It grieves me to confess that these poor souls included myself, but still, I was at the top of the bottom dwellers, and I got picked, leaving my Cousin Elroy and his best friend Bubba standing there shuffling their feet and hoping none of the girls were observing the selection process so they wouldn’t get lack of athleticism confused with what being a real man was all about.

You could feel the tension in the air because Elroy and Bubba both knew that the last man picked would be the subject of rude comments and the cause of sarcastic snickers the remainder of the school day.

Everybody thought that Elroy and Bubba both wanted to get chosen next, but I knew they were true friends and both devoid of selflessness.  I also knew that they were pulling for each other.  I could see it in their eyes, which made me admire the two of them much more than anyone who had been chosen before them.

They both knew they were too slow to snag a hard grounder or chase down a long fly ball, so it didn’t really matter to either one of them when Bubba was taken and Elroy was left standing there all alone.  

No one even had to call out his name.  All he had to do was walk over to his team, to take the walk of shame as the last man taken.

What happened next was exhilarating to me because it was then that I realized Elroy had been listening much closer than I had to our English grammar lesson. 

To everyone’s amazement he and Bubba started walking off together, then he stopped and turned to face everybody, and he knew which word to use when he said, “I don’t care who is on what team or by whom they were chosen. If either one of y’all was the last team on earth, it would be a cold day before my friend and I were fixing to be on it.”