Make a List

I’m fixing to make a list of the top 10 things people hate to hear, barring any news of an incident so dire as to include death or dismemberment. Perhaps you might want to change the order of the list depending on some circumstance in your life.

We’ll start with number 10 and work our way down to the number one thing people hate to hear.

Coming in at number 10: “We got company coming this weekend.” When you hear this you automatically know the company is going to be folks you aren’t fond of spending time with, otherwise they would have said the name of who the company was going to be right off the bat. Number 10 is simply a way of breaking the news to you gradually and gently in the hopes that a scene will not ensue.

Number nine is a little more sinister: “You won’t believe what I heard today!” Chances are you aren’t going to want to hear what was heard, because once again they are leading up to some bad news, or they would have just come out and told you what they heard. When you hear this, nine times out of 10, you are fixing to hear some bad news.

Number eight makes you want to catch a train: “I’m sorry, but that flight is sold out.” And of course it had the best price, departed at a time that was convenient for your departure and arrived at a time at which you had already arranged transportation. And you know what’s coming next—they are going to offer you an alternative flight that costs twice as much and takes you through Albuquerque to get to Richmond.

Number seven will strike fear into your heart when you hear it first thing in the morning: “Do you remember how much that tab was last night?” It didn’t seem to be so important during the festivities of the past evening, but when you wake up the next morning and are reminded of how much you spent, it never seems to have been worth it and you do not need to be reminded of it.

Number six will make the little tiny hairs on the back of you neck stand up: “You know who’s looking for you?” The first thought to pop in your head is of a person who wants to beat you up, or possibly someone you owe money to. Then it could be an old love who you fell out of love with, but worst of all is thinking it might be someone from the government.

We’re half way home now, but that doesn’t lessen the ill effects number five can have on you: “My momma is coming to stay a few days.” A few days could be anywhere in between a weekend or two weeks, during which time you would be forbidden to walk around the house in your underwear, plus all the adult beverages had to be put away.

Number four is similar to number nine, except that you know immediately it pertains directly to yourself: “I’m fixing to say something you ain’t gonna want to hear.” The statement itself reveals that bad news is coming and that it’s not going to be concerning something trivial like forgetting to pay the mortgage payment. Your stomach gets all tied up in knots while your mind clicks off all the things you’ve done wrong and wondering which one has been discovered and what the consequences are going to be.

Number three speaks for itself: “What’s all those cop cars doing out front?” While all the blood drains from your head you remember the ticket you forgot to pay and rack your brain attempting to remember anything remotely illegal you might have participated in.

We’re almost there. When you hear number two it will make you lose all interest in the extremely competitive football game you are watching: “Your daughter has something very important she needs to discuss with us.” That would be your wife telling you that, and the implications are so stressful that all you can think to do is start praying.

Here we are, the number one thing you hate to hear, the one that will break your heart, destroy your self confidence and leave you in a daze: “Don’t you be fixing to call me here no more!”