I’m Fixing To Hibernate

I’m fixing to hibernate.

I read recently that it has been reported that bears are attacking people more often than they used to, and the federal government has allocated several million dollars in grant money to find out why; and liberal professors at liberal universities, had sniffed out those grants and snapped them up quicker than a bear could snatch a salmon out of a stream or jerk a trash bag out of a dumpster.

The one redeeming factor is that the professors will be sharing the taxpayer’s wealth, by hiring a staff of young graduate students to do all the work for them, while they imitate the behavior of a bear. More later on this behavior.

I could have saved the taxpayers a great deal of money, if they had just asked me why bears are mauling and biting more people.

It’s pretty simple and boils down to two reasons: Number one is that there are more of us humans for bears to bite and maul as we take over the woods, which were formerly the exclusive home of the bears; number two is that this is the time of the year when bears begin looking for lots of food in order to fatten themselves up so they can sleep all winter.

There’s not much difference between the behavior of bears and liberal college professors, in that the professors are attacking the taxpayers by biting into our resources and mauling our budgets in order to fatten up their bank accounts so they can write liberal blogs all winter.

The question is, what can we do about the bears? I suppose you could just shoot them, that is, unless the bear is a Democrat. If that was the case and you shot one of them there would be hell to pay. On the other hand if the bear was a Republican, why, no problem, just go ahead and shoot it.

It probably wouldn’t make any difference whether the bear was a Democrat or a Republican if the shooter was a Democrat. But, I don’t think we will have to be concerned about that because if a bear attacked a Democrat they probably wouldn’t have a gun to protect themselves with anyway. However, if the attacking bear was a Republican Bear and the attacked was a Democrat, once again, there would be hell to pay.

I don’t think bears concern themselves with politics; and when it comes to biting and mauling they probably wouldn’t make any distinction between a Democrat or a Republican, unless either of them stood between the food they were gathering.

The next question is what can we do about the liberal university professors? Not much, I’m afraid.

We humans tend to romanticize bears by referring to them as teddy bears, honey bears, momma bears, poppa bears and baby bears. But bears and liberal university professors are not to be trivialized. They can both be mean and nasty, especially when they are looking for some food or a government grant.

I didn’t get any grant money, but I conducted my own study and concluded that we would all be better off if we could figure out a way to keep the bears and professors both to be fixing to hibernate 12 months a year.