Get Myself a New Owner

I’m fixing to get myself a new owner.

That’s what this old black dog was telling himself while he was lying around in the shade of a chinaberry tree in order to keep the blistering heat of the summer sun off him. His tongue was lolling out of the side of his open jaws with clear liquid dripping off the tip of it while he panted in exhaustion from his last jog around the back yard.

After he had caught his breath he licked his chops and said to himself, “Doggone if I don’t think I hear a strange human around front. Maybe it’s one that might be interested in me. I’ll bet he’s never met a talking dog before!”

The human who currently owned him was getting old and wanted to retire to a little garage apartment in Social Circle, so he wouldn’t have to do yard work any more and he could walk to the Blue Willow Inn everyday. There wouldn’t be anywhere for a dog there, so he knew his owner had run an ad in the newspaper advertising a talking dog for sale.

Most people who noticed the ad about a talking dog for sale took it as a joke, except for one fellow who was in the market for a dog, who decided to investigate. He arrived at the address in the advertisement and when someone answered the door he inquired if this was the location where the talking dog was for sale?

After he was answered in the affirmative the visitor asked where the dog might be?

“He’s out yonder in the back yard,” the owner of the talking dog replied.

“You think I could take a look at him?” The visitor asked.

“Sure. Just follow me around to the back of the house.”

Once they arrived in the back yard the visitor observed an old, fat mixed breed black dog lying in the dirt underneath a shade tree wagging his tail and thumping up little puffs of dust with it.

As they approached the dog the visitor asked in disgust, “Is that the dog you’re wanting to sell?”

“Uh huh, that’s him,” the owner said.

When they got up close to the old dog the owner said, “Say hello to the nice man, Rex.”

Now we know the old talking dog’s name was Rex, and to the profound astonishment of the visitor Old Rex raised his head up and said, “How you doing? My name is Rex.”

The visitor was so shocked he came close to wetting himself. When he recovered he accused the owner of being a ventriloquist and running a scam.

Whereupon the accused owner excused himself in a huff and left the visitor alone with Rex.

Once the owner exited the backyard and was out of hearing the visitor said, “All right, old dog, let’s hear you say something now.”

“Is there anything in particular you want me to say?” Rex inquired.

“Oh, Lord, it’s true! You really can talk!” The visitor said as he dropped to his knees in front of Old Rex. “Tell me about yourself! I want to know everything!”

“Well, I worked for the CIA for over 10 years, traveled all over the world as an undercover dog and discovered the secrets and plans of the enemies of our country. I received several citations and awards before I went into semi-retirement.”

“You are one amazing dog!” The visitor declared. “What happened after you retired?”

“I studded myself out for huge fees and sired dozens of litters of puppies while I worked part time at the airport disguised as a seeing eye dog where I gathered information leading to the demise of several drug rings and some individuals.”

“Like who?”

“Well, the last one was a hefty celebrity lady that had 50 pounds of crack under her skirt.”

The visitor was convinced beyond any shadow of a doubt and immediately rushed from the back yard to find the owner sitting around on the front porch.

He approached him and said, “You have the most amazing dog in the world and I have to have him! Not only can he talk, but he has also led this adventurous life! Name your price!”

“Ten dollars,” the owner replied.

Astounded at the meager amount the owner named the visitor said, “What! Why so little for that amazing dog?”

“He ain’t so amazing,” the owner replied.

“Why would you say such a thing?” The visitor incredulously asked.

“Cause he’s a no-good lying hound, and ain’t never even been fixing to have set foot outside of that back yard!”