I’m Fixin to Recuse Myself

I’m fixin to recuse myself.

That’s what I told my wife when she noticed the grass hadn’t been cut and the weeds hadn’t been pulled and the shrubs hadn’t been trimmed—that I had recused myself from performing yard work.

Recuse comes from the Latin word recusare and means to disqualify or remove oneself from participation to avoid a conflict of interest.

I had no more interest in yard work and it was definitely a conflict with my interest to have to perform it any more.

With much more curiosity and attention to detail than some members of the U.S. Congress displayed, she inquired as to when I had recused myself from my duties, demanding an exact time and date.

After reflecting on the legal points of my answer, I replied that I had recused myself from yard work when I first noticed that the grass was beginning to grow, but that I could not recall that exact date and time.

Relentlessly, she demanded to know by what method I had recused myself, whether it was in the form of a letter, a memo, an e-mail, a phone call, a declaration, or what.

I considered all the methods she had mentioned and came to the decision that a declaration would best suit my defense, but then to my consternation, she demanded to know to whom I had declared it to?

While I was turning this obstacle over in my mind, she went on to accuse me of shirking my manly duties and responsibilities of keeping a clean and neat yard.

I told her that I had never been involved in or heard of any such behavior, furthermore, that I had not participated in any action connected with it and that I strongly disagreed with any such inexcusable behavior, and that I would launch an immediate investigation into the matter.

Once again, displaying more intellect than some elected officials, she proceeded to inform me that I couldn’t investigate my own actions, or lack of action. Then she returned to the question of to whom I had declared my recusion to?

At this point I was desperate, and consequently did a stupid thing—I told another lie! Any fool knows it to be an ancient truth that if you keep stacking lies on top of lies eventually the mountain of lies will cave in on you and smother you.

I was beginning to have a little difficulty getting my breath after I told her I had made my proclamation to recuse myself to my Cousin Elroy.

When she immediately confronted Elroy, I began to fear I had made a fatal mistake and my breathing became as labored as a big old catfish stuck in the mud of a dried up pond.

Now my Cousin Elroy was a true friend and had always been dedicated to my well being, but when he was threatened with the fact that he would never ever get another whiff of my wife’s fried chicken if he didn’t tell the truth, he caved in like a California mudslide.

I’m fixing to recuse myself from writing anymore, because I’m fixing to have to go mow the lawn.