I’m Fixin’ to Fix Myself a Sandwich

I’m fixin’ to fix myself a sandwich.

Legend and history have it that the sandwich was invented by John Montagu, who became the fourth Earl of Sandwich in 1729 at the age of 10, after which he went on to serve in various military and political offices in Great Britain. However, the legacy he left from holding these offices has been said to have been: “Seldom had any man held so many offices and accomplished so little.”

There is one redeeming quality about the Earl though. It seems he liked to stay up and play cards all night and didn’t have time to take a meal. Consequently, he would ask his servants to bring him slices of meat between two slices of bread. Soon his fellow gamblers were heard to order, “the same as Sandwich!”—and thus the sandwich was born!

Since there are always two views of history, here we present the other side: the Earl’s biographer suggests his commitments to the military, to politics and the arts mean the first sandwich was more likely to have been consumed at his work desk.

The king of all the sandwiches is the hamburger, which isn’t really a hamburger at all, but rather a beef burger. There is no ham in a hamburger. It is said to have come from Hamburg, Germany, as its name implies, but there are many conflicting stories of their origin, especially in the United States. Innovative chefs continue to reinvent the hamburger everyday. I fully expect to see one with the kitchen sink on it soon.

But let’s get back to fixing a sandwich for my lunch. I had lots of bread and lots of stuff to go between two slices so it was difficult to make a decision. Although I can remember when times weren’t so good and I was forced to dine on a Wish Sandwich. That’s when you slap two slices of bread together and wish you had something to go between them.

First off, I considered fixing myself a Spam sandwich. Wait a minute now, don’t be putting down Spam. The name is a shortened version of spiced ham and it consists of chopped pork shoulder with ham meat added. It first became available in 1937 and was made popular in Hawaii by soldiers taking it there during WWII and it became an important food source for locals while fishing was prohibited during that time.

In 2005, Hawaiians consumed more than five million cans of Spam. Still, the product has become part of many jokes and its name has come to be given to electronic spam, especially spam email. It deserves better.

Next, I considered fixing myself a potted meat sandwich, but everyone knows that potted meat is a far piece down the totem pole of cuisine from Spam—kind of like a black sheep of the canned meat family, full of mechanically separated chicken necks. But it was still good with some mayonnaise on white bread.

If I could fix my favorite it would be one with some thick sliced slabs of ruby red beefsteak tomatoes, dripping with acidly juices, but that’s just wishful thinking right now.

I had a pig ear sandwich one time down in Ludowici.

Some of my Yankee friends used to laugh at me for eating pineapple or banana sandwiches. But they quit laughing when they found out Elvis liked them too, especially a banana one with peanut butter deep fried.

I finally settled on a barbecue sandwich, and while I was munching on it I remembered the worst sandwich I had ever had, and I bet you can, too.

Remember that time you just swore and be damned that what you thought or said was true, and in fact was the Gospel? But then it turned out that you were dead wrong and you had to eat your words?

That, my friends, is a Crow Sandwich, and is far from fixing to be tasty.