I’m Fixing to Go to a Wedding

I’m fixing to go to a wedding.

It was a bright and beautiful day as the crowd gathered at the old church, which had stood on that spot of earth for over 100 years. Everyone was dressed fit-to-kill when the two front doors were thrown open to welcome the crowd inside, some of whom were simply curious observers and not family or friends at all.

Although the buzz around the congregation was one of curiosity with family and friends as much so as it was with all the interlopers. We might add that the family and friends had a little confusion mixed in with the curiosity.

The reason for the confusion was the labels which were to be attached to the bride and groom, and all their relatives after the wedding.

The groom’s name was Harold, but you see, Harold used to be Harriet, who had felt like he was a woman trapped inside of a man’s body, and he had done something about it.

By the same token, the bride’s name was Martha, who used to be Marvin, who had had the same sentiments as Harold, or Harriet, and had also done something about it.

Both the bride and the groom’s fathers were confused because they didn’t know which one of them were giving away the bride.

The mothers weren’t sure if they were gaining a daughter or giving up a daughter.

All the nephews and nieces were cutting their eyes at each other and wondering if each was really a nephew, or was rather a niece.

Harold’s brother was confused because he didn’t know if Martha was going to be his brother-in-law or his sister-in-law.

My cousin Elroy, who used to be hunting buddies with Marvin, was wondering if Martha would still be going to the deer camp with him.

But the main dilemma was which family was going to pay for the wedding. Traditionally it’s the bride’s family who picks up the tab for the preacher, the wedding singer and all the food and drink at the wedding party and all the other matrimonial monies necessary to tie the knot.

Harold’s father claimed he was out of the picture because Harold was no longer Harriet.

Martha’s father claimed the same thing because Martha used be Marvin.

After the wedding, while who paid for it was being hashed out in the courts, Harold claimed Martha on his income tax as the standard $3,500 marriage deduction, and Martha, who worked for a large corporation, added Harold to her company insurance policy.

Sometime afterward, there was a nasty divorce when Harold ran off with another man and Martha took up with another woman.

So when the wedding announcement went out for Harold and Herman, followed by one for Martha and Eloise, I decided I was too confused to be fixing to go to any more weddings!